The Little Book of Shits & Giggles

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She would make this cringey red faced pre cry face with her gaping yap stretched open in an effort to pull in as much air as possible. This air would fuel what can best be described as a colossal display of toddler melodrama. These meltdowns operated on a sliding scale, from little half cries to concert level decibels of sanity testing fury. She was mucking about in the living room when her incredible lack of coordination caught up with her and she bailed into the coffee table. So she was on her ass with the gaping yap red cheeked pre flip out thing going on, when she decides to stand up and come towards me and her mother for sympathy.

In her haste she fucking bailed a second time and hit her face on the couch. So in the middle of winding up for a mega flip out sesh it was interrupted by another trauma. It was ugly. Sandy was already at max flip out rpms when the dumbass fell into the couch. So she sat there trying to suck in more breath and in doing so…. Do you understand the level of effort it takes to make oneself pass out from a tantrum? Like Jesus Christ. I went and grabbed sandy and she immediately came to and seemed rather confused for a second.

There is no greater joy than a child shrieking directly into your ear canal……but she was ok. At least more ok than she was before the next landmark flip out she would have some weeks later as a result of some sleep deprived stupidity on my behalf. Sandy was having some issues this one particular hellish evening and my wife and I were trading off the duties.

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Every hour and a half or so Sandy would start losing her shit so one of her tired and emotionally drained parents would zombie shuffle into her room and attempt to calm her. Lack of any sort of rest coupled with the awful wailing cries of a pissed off toddler can really start to ebb away at your sanity. Basically we had exhausted every option and I remembered one old school remedy. For those of you not in the know gripe water is this clear herbal smelling shit that is supposed to calm the tummies and nerves of hysterical babies.

Back in the day it literally had booze an opiods and god knows what else in it. The old school shit sounded like a fantastic time for anyone involved. Man turn of the century medicine was amazing. Crying baby? Give the little shit a cocktail that would knock the dirtballs from Motley Crue on their asses. Problem fucking solved. Turns out I was wrong. I was thinking about the baby oil. That shit had the little cap with the tiny hole on it that allowed a civil amount of stuff out. Of course the medium meltdown immediately ramps up to a full blown Chernobyl event. A low moment in my parenting journey for sure.

We were well on our way to raising a spoiled only child and then we had to go fuck it up by having a little boy. For now I need some turn of the century gripe water and some sleep. The issue is that she tries to use it as a diversion to get her hands on all my shit that I dont want her getting her hands on. I think I touched on this in my last entry some 47 years ago when I last made one. When she tries to put her all grasping little mitts on something forbidden…. Shes smart…. She came down with her first quasi illness some months back.

She had a fever….. I cant recall the degress or what have you but it was a fever. She was a fucking limp piece of kelp. It was hearbreaking. She looked so sad….. She toddles. But that must be tough. Hot sweaty lethargic and basically incapacitated. Kids get sick….. We kind of let it ride for a couple days with the fever and then phoned the public health nurse who advised a hospital visit after 3 or more fever days.

The third day the fever seemed to subside until I got home from work my wife works evenings. So she went to work and boom Sandy was the fucking surface of the sun. So I strapped the limp sad looking little creature into my truck and went to emergency. Her mom got her shift covered and came down shortly before we actually got to see a doctor. He said they needed a urine sample from little red.

The Little Book Of Shits & Giggles

Now at this point Sandy was getting pretty antsy as we had been at the hospital for just shy of 2 hours. I wanted to get the fuck out of there and so did meeps. We all did. Even touching meeps arm at this point was just causing nothing but problems. Crying, flailing…she was top shelf miserable. She approached meeps with the horrid probe and it was instant hysterics, concert level screaming and flailing……and this was not even close to the required penetration needed to procure some precious meeps piss.

I was fantasizing about literally jamming the piss probe directly into the nurses brain stem when a glorious thing happened. A venerable geyser of piss shot forth from meeps tiny little hoo ha and the nurse she really was on top of her game snatched the sample cup and did an awkward piss collection dance to try and secure the required ounce or so of precious precious piss.

God bless the women she actually managed to direct a good amount of piss into that cup….. They needed the piss to rule out bladder infection. That wasnt the issue.

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We went home from the hospital with no answers….. Like no shit we were actually going to toss her in a snow bank and hit a pub but yeah keeping an eye on her…. The next day her fever vanished and I was working….. We dosed her with baby tylenol but still. That week wasnt exactly chock full of sleep. So what do I do to quell the panic? Start googling baby illnesses. That is the single dumbest thing one can do EVER if one is concerned about a medical condition of any kind.

I was basically planning her celebration of life after googling that shit. I know. What in the fuck is roseola? Turns out its related to the herpes virus and is completely benign. Usually 3 days of fever…. And it was of course. All is quiet on the western front now. I almost shit myself over roseola. Lol roseola. What a dumb name for an illness. So here we are. Meeps had her 1st birthday…. Learning, growing…..

Reward Yourself

Well evidently me and big red my wife……she has red hair. Shes not fat but shes tall….. Yep meeps gets to avoid the shackles of being a miserable self centred only child douche nozzle like her dad. Less sleep.

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Less sanity. Two kids. Two fucking kids. Now it will be two on two. Meeps 2. The sequel. The woman will basically always win this argument. Your ass gets to stay home and do basically whatever and I have to deal with baby stuff while home and still work full goddamned time. That shit is OVER for men. We feed babies now. We change diapers now and get puked on. So basically we go through some shit too. A couple little dust ups. No world wars just a couple small civil conflicts.

Part of me wanted to see if I had what it takes to be single for a few days. I wanted to see if I could sack up and take care of a baby for more than a few hours, as this was the previous record. Did I have what it takes? Is meeps still alive? Am I still locked in the shackles of marriage? The primary concern was that there was an outside chance that meeps would be an un-manageable grease fire due to having some panicked abandonment episode after a few hours of no mama.

There was a hypothesis that the resulting explosion would cause a chain reaction that would ignite that atmosphere and cook all life on the planet into a smouldering cinder. I do it on Facebook statuses in case I ever decide to run for office I guess?

Steam Workshop :: shits and giggles

Who the fuck cares. Fuck is a funny word and sometimes it really drives the point home.

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Its not like the 6 people that read this are going care. We normally have her overnight in the blowhole cloggers because cleaning shit out of a cloth diaper is horrific. Not an hour later she destroys the nice cloth offering with an aggressive shit. So I unsnapped the pad and scraped the bulk away and rinsed that thing out as one must do when a cloth diaper is shat in.

Is shat the passed tense of shit? After the second shit I decided to return to a cloth diaper. I remember having this exact thought. A third shit! And big too by the way. All of these were serious 5 alarm shits that had no business coming out of a babies body. I go back into the room where meeps is on her change table and I am greeted by what can be best described as a stream of water hitting a plastic place mat.

Guess what folks? Meeps is on her knees smiling at me and taking a massive reckless piss all over the goddamn place and then proceeds to start splashing around in it like a fucking robin in a birdbath! At this point I actually started laughing because the first threads of my sanity were slowly being ebbed away. I bathed her and put a disposable on her ass. Evidently this is something that can happen when the baby is stressed? Rough for her too because all the acid in the shits gave her an angry red rash.

Through all of this she actually maintained a normal disposition. Is that a thing?

Giggle shit on ice

I really did feel like she was shitting at me because I really wanted to make that extra effort for her to have nice comfy soft hippy diapers, and in blatant and flagrant disregard for me or my feelings or my new single dad situation………… she shit at me. Am I shit shaming? Or you might try boyfriend or girlfriend to get words that can mean either one of these e. Please also note that due to the nature of the internet and especially UD , there will often be many terrible and offensive terms in the results.

There is still lots of work to be done to get this slang thesaurus to give consistently good results, but I think it's at the stage where it could be useful to people, which is why I released it. Special thanks to the contributors of the open-source code that was used in this project: krisk , HubSpot , and mongodb. Finally, you might like to check out the growing collection of curated slang words for different topics over at Slangpedia. Please note that Urban Thesaurus uses third party scripts such as Google Analytics and advertisements which use cookies.

To learn more, see the privacy policy. I agree with you about the letters. It was all heartbreaking. I enjoyed the letters more than the main storyline as well. It was a fairly short, but not a light read. There were some very heavy messages in it. I really love the double story line too. It can be confusing sometimes though.

The Little Book of Shits & Giggles The Little Book of Shits & Giggles
The Little Book of Shits & Giggles The Little Book of Shits & Giggles
The Little Book of Shits & Giggles The Little Book of Shits & Giggles
The Little Book of Shits & Giggles The Little Book of Shits & Giggles
The Little Book of Shits & Giggles The Little Book of Shits & Giggles
The Little Book of Shits & Giggles The Little Book of Shits & Giggles

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